Most people who are single but wish to have a spouse have spent a good amount of time wondering about that future spouse. What will that person be like? How Will I know if this is the right one? How will I know if God wants me to marry? How will I know if the mate I have chosen to marry is the one God has chosen to be my soul mate?

I find in the bible, the search for a spouse was not really mentioned.
I have seen nothing in the Bible that provides much guidance when it comes to finding a mate.
Cain, it appears just married some lady. Just exactly where this lady came from is a matter of dispute. Isaac had his mom send a servant to go choose a mate for him. Even Jacob had his troubles so he married more than one wife.
I remember being in a Sunday school class. We were asked to make a list of all the things we would look for in a spouse. I think preparing such a list is a great starting point in helping a person decide what he or she really wants.
I would suggest that when you have finished writing the list that you take a good look at it and study it. Think about each point and how it relates to you. You will likely discover two things about yourself. Firstly, it will reveal to you something about the way you are living right now and how you will live within a marriage setting. Secondly, it will tell you something about your weaknesses.
Every person must stand on what they feel are their deepest convictions.
The Bible tells us that we should not be unequally yoked when it comes to marriage. In other words, the mate we find should also be a believer. I do not know of any believers who would ever suggest that it is okay to marry someone outside of the family of God.
When a believer marries a non-believer difficult times will likely lie ahead. However, as a believer, when it comes to giving advice I feel we tend to overlook at times the fact that we are all different and have different convictions even though our common bond is the Lord. When seeking advice we need to seek God’s wisdom first but it is also important to seek godly counsel from the leaders God has given us.

I remember when I was engaged to a lady that was nowhere near the right match for me. All those around me knew it, my parents knew it, even my heart knew it. I appreciated that my leaders never once told me how foolish I was being even though I was a fool. I never lost the connection I had with them. On the other hand my parents were another story. We had a huge blow out and it has taken a few years to mend the broken relationship. In some ways the relationship with my parents will never be the same. You see I didn’t choose to date the lady because I wanted to hurt my parents or because my church did not oppose me. I chose to marry her because I was very lonely and very desperate.
What I learned through all of this was that in the end the direction my life may take solely rests with me and it is between me and God, regardless of what others might think or say. The word life is the key word and I know that the decisions I make may affect me for the rest of my life. I made an emotional decision that resulted in consequences. By doing so I lost out. Regardless, my friends backed me up and supported me. They told me what they believed would be best for me. So did my parents. The difference is my friends left the door open for me to come back when I realized my mistake, but my parents chose not to. The bridge, the connection we had was allowed to be destroyed. The connection with my parents has now become a bridge made of rope and one that neither side likes to travel across.
It is important to always stand with those you care about. Whether their decisions are wrong or right, you stand with them and continue to be there for them. It is more important to be there for them and to stand along side of them than to impose your personal views on them even when you know you may be in the right and the person is being a fool. I will never forget how my friends loved me and stood with me even though they believed I might be making a very unwise decision. More importantly I came to realize that relationships and love should never be used as a bartering tool to get people to change.
I believe everyone needs to understand the free will that God has given us. In the Garden of Eden (where sin first began) Adam and Eve chose to eat of the forbidden fruit even though God gave them instruction not to. They exercised their free will and made a choice. As in all choices we make there are arguments for either side. I am not saying that decisions are always easy to make but it is important to note that God has given us the ability to choose. This is what having free will means. God created humans for fellowship, but he didn’t want us to just be his friends out of service as if we were robots. He wanted us to choose him freely and of our own accord. He wants us to come to Him as the unique creations we are.
So to me life is full of both good and bad choices. I believe it is our choice to choose the Will of God. I also believe such a choice should not be manipulated by friends or loved ones. So the first thing I would ask any one who is looking for a spouse is, “Do you want to be married?” I believe there is a lot of pressure put on singles in our churches to get married. For me I have dated ladies to try to fulfill some obligation of getting a wife. I believe that every person that is thinking of marriage needs to know beforehand why he or she wants to be married. A lot of times singles feel the “need” to get married because they want to fit in or because they are very lonely.
Never get married out of loneliness. If you are feeling either pressured into getting married or it is because of loneliness then talk to your church leaders. Although I don’t believe people would intentionally push marriage on singles the pressure nevertheless does exist. However, it’s important to try and see things from a happily married couple’s perspective. There are couples who have a wonderful marriage and it is only natural that those are the people that really want to see you married so that you can have the same experience. What is forgotten though is that what is good for one person is not necessarily good for another. Yes, marriage can be wonderful, but so too can being single- and sometimes with far less complications. I am not being funny here. It takes a lot of work to maintain a marriage and for the most part the only difficulty I have about being single is being mocked cause I choose to be this way.
Let’s imagine that you have carefully thought it over and you choose to be married. How do you start searching for that perfect spouse? Let’s start by taking out an ad in the local paper and then going to hang out at all the sleazy bars. Of course make sure you make a fool of yourself by getting to know all the new spousal prospects at your church. If you do any of the above please find a spot on your wall and hit your head till you realize that this isn’t the way to go about it. What I’m saying is that if you have decided to get married then just act normal. The more you do any of the above steps the more likely you will fall into fruitless relationships and end up getting desperate and even lonelier.
If there are rules about searching for a spouse I sure have not been able to find any. We are Christians. We don’t need to be out on a mission (for some it might seem like a mission impossible). We need to just simply live our lives. I will go out on a limb by saying that your spouse will be found in doing the things you are accustom to do. I feel that if one goes out of their way to do things they are not accustom to doing in hopes of linking up with that special person it will probably end in disastrous.
While single, how should we be living our lives? I remember someone telling me “Now is the time in your life that you should be traveling and going places.” The tone to me was that I needed to do all that before I got married. What was interesting is that I wasn’t engaged and did not even have a girlfriend at the time. What was the person trying to tell me? If I enjoy traveling I can still travel when I get married but I would be wise finding a mate who also enjoys traveling.

I do understand that when a person decides to get married and start a family things will change but I truly disagree with the statement, “ settle down and start a family”. Are singles all crazy, rowdy and nuts that we need to “settle down”? Well I know I can be rowdy and nuts sometimes and do enjoy that but I do not feel that I need to “settle down”. Living the life of a Christian single does not mean being wild and crazy. As we go on in life we will have added responsibilities as any married person does. Yes, singles may come and go as they please, but there is no out of control wildness that marriage needs to correct. Marriage is a different kind of life, but I don’t think married life is as settled as some suggest. It must be hard to live at peace with another person and even more so when there are children involved. How can things be settled? Besides, when you get married to the one you truly believe is your God given spouse, some things won’t change.
I guess the things you love to do may get put on the back burner but never think your life will be put on hold cause you are going to settle down and have a family. I will go out on a huge limb and say that although things are different when you are single compared to when you are married the desire to explore the wonders and excitement of life can carry still on.
I have been told that when you find the one you are to be with you will know. I have no idea if that is true or not. I do know that God will direct you. He will honour your choice as long as he was truly a part of it. That means really seeking God’s will and even telling him that this is the person you truly want to be with for the rest of your life. I feel God will honour that and speak words to you. It may not be a yes or no. Don’t get me wrong. I do believe in hearing from God and that he does give yes or no answers. But how do we explain the many marriage troubles that exist? That to me shows that people tend to not truly include God in their decisions throughout the relationship before and after.
You see there is a triangle that exists in all relationships. Imagine a triangle with one point at the top and the other two at the base. The two points at the base represent you and your spouse. (this can be applied to any relationship). If each point had communication with the other then there is like a wall made that won’t allow the devil to separate you with his deceptive ways. Therefore there are 3 communications or connections that need to take place; you and God, spouse and God and you and your spouse. If any of them lose strength then the devil is free to break the connections up. I have asked several people what connection needs to be the strongest. Of course you get a variety of answers based on people’s life experiences. I truly believe that they are of equal importance. That of course is assuming that you cannot give more attention to one than the other. This is also taking into account the fact that there is always one connection you have complete control over and one you have partial control over and one you have no control over. For the latter one you need to have total faith in and keep in prayer. I refer to you spouse’s relationship to God.
I think that prayers will always be the key to any decision we make in our lives. Looking for a spouse is no exception. I feel that God is always there to hear our requests and will honour us at all times. Today, I see two approaches when it comes to hearing from God when dating is concerned. The first is an almost spooky stance on not moving on any relationship without the move of God. I have seen it many times, that when a person is approached for an evening out a common response is, “well I need to pray about it to see if it is God’s will or not”. I know that we do need to pass all things by God first but there is such a thing called balance. I have seen singles back themselves into a corner and actually come across as self-righteous to others. I do feel that if you don’t want to date that person state so. God gave you a mind, heart, and spirit. God speaks words of wisdom to us. I just have seen it taken to such extremes it really takes away from the work God is doing. Sometimes God is going to send people in your life to have a good time and for no other reason. I don’t have a problem with anyone that only wants to date. Just don’t lose sight of fellowship.
If you feel like asking a person out please understand that the first step is friendship. I am so tired of seeing people (myself included) end a friendship because they chose to grow closer in a relationship and the feeling wasn’t reciprocated. Why does the the relationship have to end in bitterness? God can help you overcome that bitterness. If getting married was not meant to be why do so many couples not see this as a blessing and remain as friends? The reason is because one or both choose to stay angry. But that only lets the adversary (satan) have victory. It is not hard to forgive, it only seems hard to forgive. I have never seen a time when a person swallowed his pride, admitted guilt, sought forgiveness and forgave and did not become a better person for having done so. Always, start a friendship for the long haul not a short one. And try to remain friends whatever the outcome.
The second approach I have seen when it comes to dating and how God figures into the decision of whether this is the right person is when the person tries to convince self that God has said this is the right one. This I feel is probably the more dangerous approach as it shows that it is your emotions that are controlling your decisions and not your head. I call it the desperation and loneliness excuse. This is where you are so tired of being alone and just feel that this might simply be the last chance you have for marriage. It took me a long time to see that many of my relationships were like this. I used to say that once I no longer saw the person I was dating as someone I would marry then I knew I should leave. That was a bold face lie because really what I was saying was that I was scared to death of her leaving. I was hoping that God would see it my way. How many times do we try to barter with God and win? I think I am about 1 billion to zero. And yet I still think that I can convince God to change His mind and see things my way.
I feel that many singles have really given up waiting on God to the point where they do not feel He wants to be involved in choosing a spouse. Well he does. He simply does! All we need to do is to let God speak and to prepare ourselves to listen- even when we don’t like what we are going to hear. I beg anyone that is in this position in life to just sit tight and wait on the Lord. He will come through for you. I truly believe time is always on the side of God. I do believe God is black and white and the only time we become confused and desperate is when we question His will. Let go and let God do his a wonderful work in you.

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